


Seeing Red

by thefandombookshelf



Series: Hurting and Fixing the Broken [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, I mean he breaks his hand, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pining Lance (Voltron), Sort of? - Freeform, he has problems and freaks out, i guess, klangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 07:44:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10612368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefandombookshelf/pseuds/thefandombookshelf
Summary: Everything in his life was becoming a shade of Red. Red represented so many different things, but the most important one to Lance was also the one he hated the most, Keith. Eventually the red became more than what he could handle and it pushes him past the breaking point.------Based on a prompt that gave me an emotion: provoked, and a line: "I think I broke him"





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was a drabble that I started a long time ago because of feelings and then decided to finish it tonight because I was bored and again feelings. It's not very long and I haven't edited it yet so sorry for the mistakes, this is my first real completed fic (i guess more of a oneshot) since 2012. This was from a prompt that I found online that gave me an emotion and a line to write for. The emotion was provoked and the line is: I think I broke them. Also Hunk is mentioned but not really in here and Pidge is just not in it at all. I meant to give them both bigger parts but I just didn't have time and I didn't know where else to take this so that's just how it ended up. Sorry. I hope you enjoy the Langst as much as I do.

****

Red. The color of intensity, fire, power and war. A color of love and passion yet anger at the same time. It contradicts itself in every way but it fits perfectly for the color of him. Keith. 

Keith made him see red, all of the time. In his first thoughts in the morning when Lance first woke up. During training when Keith would get praised by Allura or Shiro for something that he had done almost just as well on. When they were in a small battle and a flash of red would fly so naturally in front of the group head first into a situation, ultimately saving the day. And especially at night, as the last thing he saw before he drifted into more dreams of red. Red had taken over his life, completely obliterating any thought that previously had dominance in his mind. He hated it. Hated always being second place. Always being the one that could have done a little bit better. He hated the color red. And most of all, he hated Keith.

No. he hated loving Keith, and it was starting to tear him apart. 

People weren't supposed to feel so many emotions for one person at one. Loathing, admiration, friendship, rivalry, jealousy, love. How could anyone feel so many emotions over one stupid person? Here's a hint: You can't. Everytime Lance rounded a corner and saw even a slight bit of red, or the tips of his stupid black mullet the urge to starting swinging punches while simultaneously kissing Keith until he couldn't breathe anymore would become too much to handle. He had to turn around, walk away,  and avoid almost all contact with the red paladin before either temptation was too great to suppress. 

When did this rivalry become so much more? It started out so simple, just him and Keith up against each other in the battle for the same goal. 

Now it was so much more than that. They weren't against each other, they were teammates, partners. They were friends, or at least moving towards that until Lance’s emotions became too much and forced him into this separation. It’s not like he couldn’t tell what he was causing, all of the after effects of his vacuous realizations and actions. It was taking a toll on him knowing, making him feel even more worthless as a team member of voltron. He knew his feelings were hurting his friends. He could see it in their faces when he came into contact with them. He could feel it in their words when they tried to get him to stay and eat dinner with them for longer than the five minutes he could actually stand being in the same room as Keith before grabbing his dish and storming off to his room to eat alone. He could feel it during their team building, when no team building was actually being done due to his selfishness, or when they tried to form Voltron and every new try it seemed to take longer than the last. And worst of all he could see it in Keith. He could see everything in Keith. Why was everything Keith? When did it become only Keith?

Lance sat up in his bed and sighed as the blankets falling away from his chest and onto his legs. It was dark and chilling in his room now with his arms exposed to the open air surrounding him. The dark may prevent him from seeing red, but it can’t stop the constant thought flow of it that has been circling his mind since he has been trying to sleep. Nothing could ever stop that, it was like someone put a song that he hated on loop in his head until he grew to love it and now its stuck there and won’t go away. A constant reminder for his constant selfishness. Always there, always painful. 

He pushed the blankets back all the way now exposing his long white and blue pants that he used to sleep in. They weren’t the same as the one’s he had back at his house on Earth. Those were soft and smelled like home-even though he couldn’t remember what that smelled like anymore- these weren’t like that at all. The material was just slightly uncomfortable, enough so that it became bothersome, and they smelled like the ship, which wasn’t necessarily bad, just… not right. He swung his legs over the side of the bad and sat there in the dark for a moment before finally deciding to rise from the bed.

He did this more often than not nowadays. Walking the halls of the Castle of Lions alone at night when he couldn't sleep due to guilt or self hatred or Keith. It was a pretty comforting pass time, well  _ comforting  _ may not be the correct word for it, more like  _ distracting. _ And even as a distraction, his nightly walks didn't take his thoughts away from his least favorite subjects, they just made them more muted than how it was sitting in his room. At least in the halls, he could hear the sounds around him, it wasn't just pure silence or his slow breathing. He could walk around alone, without worrying about running into his teammates and getting worried glances as he passed by. He especially didn't have to worry about coming face to face with dark violet eyes and the long black mullet that he dreaded so much. 

The hallways were as they were when everyone was awake, empty, just more dark now with only little floor lights to show him his way. Though nothing really changed except the amount he could see, it made the castle seem so much larger than it was. Especially when he would wander off into a new part where he hasn't ever been. The supply of new corridors and rooms seemed to be endless in the structure. Occasionally instead of touring to new parts he would find himself going towards the familiar. He didn’t think about going to these places, his feet just took him there in the midst of his mind drifting. Often times he would end up in the hangar with Blue seeing as she provided him with the most comfort. She felt the most like home, and when he was around her he knew she was there, listening, waiting, like an old friend that he has known for years with nothing changing their relationship, it was just something that was strong, patient and always there. Other times he would stray off to simpler places like the kitchen, the couches, sometimes even the pool when he felt like being around water (it reminded him of home too…). 

Once Lance had found himself standing outside of the airlock that he was almost sucked out of back when they first became a team. He stood there for a good while just staring, thinking about what would have happened if Keith wouldn’t have been there, or worse, if Keith wouldn’t have helped him. Lance hadn’t realized how long he had actually been outside of the airlock for until the lights in the hallways turned on and it dawned on him that he had been there the entire night. Needless to say, he didn’t get sleep that night, and it earned several odd glances from Hunk and Pidge who could generally see through his suave facade he put on around the others when it was really bad. He hasn’t gone back there since. 

Tonight though, he found himself walking towards the all too familiar area of the training deck. He didn’t come here very often because it reminded him a lot of Keith. Keith liked to spend most of his time here, Lance did not. It made Lance feel inferior, like a weak link in a chain. Sure he had the best aim of everyone on the team but when he saw what Keith could do nothing compared to that. It’s like fighting was made for him. When he got into the training sequence, his movements were solid and well thought out. There wasn’t a single step that he was uncertain about whether it was hand to hand or with his sword. Lance however was the opposite. He was tall and awkward with his movements. He was quicker than Keith was due to his leg length and he could get out of situations quickly or predict what movements were going to come at him next better, but that was where his skill level came to a screeching halt. 

As he turned the corner to the hallway where the training deck was located, he noticed the lights coming from the windows in the deck doors.  _ Great, someone’s in there. _ Who else was ever up this late besides him? He never saw anyone or even saw hints that other people roamed the castle at night. As he approached the doors, he could see a figure sparing with the gladiator. A someone in a black shirt with their hair pulled back into a ponytail that rested at the base of their neck- minus the bangs and stray hairs that fell loosely away from the band and into his face. With his bayard done out into his sword he swung at that bot as it made an attack towards him. His movements were quick and mesmerizing. Lance could feel himself being pulled in, stepping closer to the door trying to get a better look at the movements of Keith’s arms as he fought back hard. He watched carefully as Keith got behind the gladiator and brought the sword cleanly through the center in one big motion. Keith stood all the way up now so that his back was straight and Lance could see him breathing heavily as he tried to catch his breath. Lance took one more step closer to the glass, and at that moment the doors separated from each other causing him to lose his balance and  _ almost  _ falling headfirst into the ground- like he said, he had fast  reflexes. A slight noise that sounded like a cross between a squeaking mouse and yelping dog came out of his mouth in surprise as he stumbled forward, announcing to Keith even more that he was there and had been watching him.  _ Great. _

“Lance?” He sounded more shocked than he did curious which seemed strange to Lance in a way even though it shouldn’t have. If  _ he _ would have been in Keith’s position and found out that Keith, or anyone for that matter, had been watching him training in secret in the dead of night when they were supposed to be sleeping, he would have been slightly shocked too. “What are you doing here? Were you watching me?”

“Uh… Hey. I was- I was um taking a walk and saw the light on and I just figured… I don’t know.”  _ Smooth one McClain. You nailed that one.  _ “Sorry I didn’t mean to  come in here, I saw you training and didn’t want to interrupt you. I- I was just gonna turn around when the doors opened and I- I uh you know… fell.”

This was the first conversation that he had with Keith in probably 2 or 3 days and even then it was brief lasting only the amount of time for Lance to tell Keith that Coran was looking for him. Shiro had asked him to do it while he was with Hunk because Shiro was busy with something else and didn’t have time to do it at the moment, and before Lance could object Shrio was out of the room again off to tackle his next task. It was awkward and reluctant on Lance’s part but he couldn’t just ignore Shiro’s requests and it wasn’t like he had been asked to spend more than one bearable minute with Keith. He had found him in his room looking at his knife, and when Keith saw Lance he had smiled slightly which had pulled at Lance’s chest painfully. Lance relayed the message over to the other boy and turned around to leave as soon as possible. Keith had looked slightly disappointed that the only words said to him were “Shiro told me to tell you that Coran needs you”, but in reality Lance had probably made that up. As Lance had exited the door, Keith had called out his name which made Lance flinch as if hearing his name fall off Keith’s lips was the hardest thing ever endured but likewise he stopped but didn’t turn around.  _ “Um, actually nevermind. Thanks, I’ll go and find him,”  _ was the last thing said between the two of them before Lance walked off. 

“What are you- why are you training in the middle of the night?”

“Why are you watching me train in the middle of the night?” Lance could hear that condescending tone that seemed to only reveal itself when Keith had been talking to Lance. He hated it when Keith started talking in that voice. 

“ _ My God,  _ nevermind. Sorry for asking.” Lance started to turn around and head back out the door. 

“Wait Lance, sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m training because I couldn’t sleep and this place helps me clear my head. I was just about to head back to my room, actually. There I answered your question, now you answer mine. Why are you out here?”

“Same thing as you, I couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk and found myself in this hallway.”

“No I mean why do you come out here? I mean obviously I get that you can’t sleep, but I hear you leave your room almost every night so there is obviously something causing it. Why do you come out here?” Lance didn’t want this, didn’t  _ need  _ this. Not from him. Not right now. 

“Dude I just can’t sleep okay. Nothing is ‘causing it’ or whatever, just leave it.” He had made sure to emphasize the hand quotes around causing it so it would seem that maybe nothing really was wrong. That Lance’s Keith problem wasn’t anything. He barely even noticed that Keith had started to move closer to Lance. 

“Lance, I’m your teammate.”  _ Another step.  _ “We are friends.”  _ Step.  _ “You can tell me when something is wrong, you know.”  _ And another.  _ “We-  _ I-  _ can tell something isn’t right with you.”  _ God it was like clockwork- words, step, words, step- torturous clockwork.  _

Keith had made it across the room now, so that he was just out of arm's reach away from where Lance was. Lance could hear his breathing clearly now, it had slowed dramatically since he first got in here. Lance could also see the droplets of sweat that had formed on his hairline while he was training. 

“Nothing is wrong. Why does everybody think something is wrong?” He ran his hands through his hair. He was starting to realize just how tired he really was, his eye’s started feeling heavy, and his legs felt like they might give out at any moment. 

“Because Lance you are acting strange. No sorry, not strange, different. Just different.” Lance could tell he was trying to dance around his words, trying to pick and choose what he said carefully. “You just aren’t acting completely yourself lately around any of us, especially me, and it’s starting to take a toll on Voltron.”

Lance felt his heart drop.  _ I know. I’m a weight. I’m dragging the team. I’m sorry.  _ He wanted to tell Keith. Tell him what was wrong, what he was feeling. But that would just drag the team down more. Nothing worse than an awkward confession to make matters even worse.  _ Don’t do it Lance. Don’t even think about it.  _

“Wow Keith, thanks for confirming that I’m a drag on Voltron’s progress.” He watched Keith’s face fall even more as he realized his wording error. “You want to know what’s wrong with me? You are, you and you being Shiro’s favorite, never doing anything wrong. Always staying one step ahead of me so right when I feel like I might be catching up and accomplishing something, I just turn around and you have it figured out and are moving on to the next thing. Without me. Ever since the garrison, I’ve always been Keith’s replacement and I’m so sick of it. And I guess it’s confirmed now that Voltron doesn't need me, just like I thought, because it already has you.” He knew he was hurting Keith but that didn’t matter anymore. All Lance could think about was the pounding blood he could feel running through his body as he released all of the information he has held to himself for so long.  _ You need to stop. Now.  _

“Lance- You know that’s not what I meant. This team needs you here. We’re friends now- I ne…” He was starting to panic from what he started. You could tell by his tone of voice now. Usually Keith sounded so confident, so sure of what he was doing, but Lance was uncharted territory and he had no idea what a jungle he had walking into. 

“ _ Friends.”  _ Lance sounded disgusted. “ _ You  _ think that  _ we _ are  _ friends.”  _ Why was Lance doing this? “We’ve never been friends. We may be on the same team, but you gave up friendship a long ass time ago when you decided to mock me in front of the entire class the first day at the garrison. How could I ever be friends with you?”

“Lance, I’m sorry-  _ fuck-  _ I don’t know why…”

“No! You don’t get to apologize to me. You have made me feel like shit since day one, you make me feel so many damn emotions that it’s driving me insane.”  _ Don’t say it Lance. Stop before you put a wedge in Voltron that can’t be removed.  _

“What- what are you... “ Lance doesn’t think he’s ever seen Keith looked so worried in his life. Maybe once or twice he has come close on a mission but this was different than just worried, he looked genuinely sad. Maybe even afraid. 

“I hate you Keith. I hate everything about you. I hate that I love you. I hate that you are constantly on my mind and it enrages me because you get everything,  _ including  _ my own damn thoughts. It’s so fucking messed up.”  _ Why’d you say it.  _

Lance felt like he wanted to punch something-  _ Someone  _ to be exact. Instead of socking Keith right in his irritating face, he turned around to the wall and hit it as hard as he could. He heard the crack of his hand as it made contact but it he couldn’t feel it. All he felt right now was the contrasting emotions of relief and anger. 

“ _ Shit  _ Lance!” He could hear Keith yell at him but it sounded muted, like it was off in the distance rather than directly behind him. Lance felt a weight be placed on his shoulder and he looked over to see that it was a hand,  _ Keith’s hand.  _ Lance turned around slowly to face him again. He watched as Keith removed his hand from his shoulder and brought it up to wipe away a tear that had fallen down Lance’s face. 

_ When had he started crying? _

“Shit ok your hand is definitely broken. God, what is happening. Okay, I don’t know- fuck, okay we have to go find someone.” He looked down at his now swollen, slightly misshapen fingers and slowly a throbbing started running up his arm. The pain hit him suddenly and he felt like he may pass out. He grabbed the limp right hand with his good hand and held it against his stomach. He had really done it now. He felt exposed. He felt like he was going to throw up. He did. 

“Hey, hey- shit. Ok, uh… it’s okay. Shiro. Shiro will know what to do. Stay here and- just don’t move.” Keith helped him sit down on the cold, white floor of the training deck. He leaned back against the wall with his arm still held up to his body. Keith gave him one last sad look before taking off in the direction of the rooms. 

Lance couldn’t tell how long he was alone for, but it seemed like forever as the pain in his hand grew stronger and harder with each passing moment. What had he done? He revealed himself. He made a fool of himself.  _ Voltron.  _ He destroyed Voltron just because he couldn’t keep it together; because he couldn’t turn around and keep it in. He couldn’t believe how big of an idiot he had been. What was he thinking telling Keith all of that stuff? Eventually his thoughts got drowned out by the sound of quick footsteps coming down the hallway. Shiro got back to him first, soon followed by Keith and Allura. Lance didn’t look up or make eye contact with any of them. He just sat there covered in his own tears and sick, embarrassed and broken.

“Lance what happened?” Shiro asked as he kneeled down in front of the boy. Lance remained silent, he didn’t want anything else to come out of his mouth ever again. “Lance you have to tell us what happened.” When Lance didn’t reply once again, Shiro just looked up at the other two. “Ok that’s fine, can I at least see your hand?” Lance hesitantly extended his hand out to Shiro’s open palm. He felt as if somebody had dipped his whole arm into a pit of fire when it was still, and moving it just made it so much worse. His tears were looking, threatening to fall again at any moment, but he held it in to keep whatever small amount of dignity he could save from the situation at hand. “Yeah, this is definitely broken. Allura are we able to put him in one of the pods to heal it?”

“We can, it shouldn’t-”

“No.” Everyone snapped their focus from Allura to him in an instant. He wanted to throw up again. 

“What?”

“I said- I said no.” It hurt to disobey Shiro’s orders but he couldn’t do it again. Especially not right now. “I’m not going into a cryo pod.”

“What the hell Lance? You just fucking broke your hand on the wall! You won’t be able to fly very well with just the one hand. What if we need to form Voltron and you’re still healing? You’ll practically be useless.” Keith snapped, he was obviously still shaken from the events that had just unfolded in front of him. He realized what he had said though when Lance winced, letting another tear fall from his eyes as he shut them. “Lance, I- I didn’t mean it like…” his voice was calm now. Soft and warm, but filled with guilt. It almost made Lance want to look up and tell him it was alright, that he knew he didn’t mean it. But he did mean it, and it’s not like he was wrong. 

“Keith, maybe you should go on. Go get some sleep, you look like you could use some.” Shiro said quietly as if he was trying not to startle an animal or something. Lance heard, what he could only assume was Keith’s footsteps fade out of the large, empty room and out into the hallway. The room remained silent for a moment and it almost seemed like Shiro and Allura had left him as well, but he could hear their low breathing. He opened his eyes to make sure anyway. 

“I’m not going into a cryo pod Shiro. Please, I can’t be out like that again. I know it wouldn’t be for long, but still. What if we need to form Voltron while I’m in there and we can’t. What if you guys have to fight and one of you gets hurt because I’m out of commission. I can’t do that Shrio. Please don’t make me do it.” Tears were streaming down his face now in a steady stream, but he didn’t really care anymore. “I’ll be fine, I promise I will be. I’ll still fly Blue and I’ll do my best to stay with you guy. I just- please Shiro.” His voice had made it to a whisper by this point. He looked up at his leader and the princess as they looked sadly back at him. 

Shiro turned back around to face Allura _ ,  _ “Can we leave him out? Do we have stuff that we could use to help his hand without a pod? It’s all up to you Princess, can we make this work or not?”

“Uh- well, the hand doesn’t look like it was broken very badly, so we may be able to find something to keep it in place in the medical center. All of the materials in there are outdated though and are just here for emergencies so there is no promises of something, but we can see if Coran can find something that will work.” She sounded hesitant in the decision, like she didn’t believe that he would be able to function without healing in a cryopod, but Lance tried not to focus on that too much. “However, if there is any problems at all, you are going straight to a pod without any questions asked.”

“I understand Princess. I’ll make sure this works.” Shrio extended his hand out for Lance to grab to pull himself up. His whole body felt weak when he stood and another round of nausea hit him, but he held it in and leaned into Shiro's metal arm as he held it around Lance’s shoulders. 

“Let’s get you to that medical area.” 

````````````````````````````

“Keith I said no. He needs to sleep, he had a long night and doesn’t need anyone to bother him.”

“And I didn’t Shiro? How was I supposed to sleep after that? He told me he fucking loved me! Or hated me, I’m not really sure which one anymore. I just let him panic Shiro, his hand is broken because of me.”

“Calm down Keith. You’re going to wake him up if you keep shouting.” 

_ Too late.  _

Lance had barely gotten any sleep last night. After they got him to the medical station somewhere in a part of the castle he had never been to, the rest became a big blur. Coran had joined them somewhere along the way and he had told Lance to sit down on a bench that had been cold, but besides pain and some story that Coran had been telling, he doesn’t remember much else. His best guess is that somewhere along the way he either passed out or Coran had given him something to make him sleep, because the next thing he knew he was waking up in his bed with a futuristic cast like object reaching from the tips of his hand to his elbow. He could move the tips of his fingers, but not without sharp pain shooting up his arm. He didn’t care though about the cast, because his hand already felt a million times better than it had before. It’s not like he had never broken any bones in his life. Having as many siblings as he had mixed with stupid ideas that him and his friends would come up with made for at least a guaranteed broken arm at least once. But he doesn’t remember them ever hurting like this one had, but maybe that's just because before he was missing the added pain that had caused this one. 

After waking up, his mind was trying to process too much at one time causing him not to be able to get back to sleep- not to mention, the throbbing happening every time he moved. So he just staying awake. Letting his mind go through the events that happened only hours before. Processing what this meant for the team.  _ Would they still be able to form Voltron? What if Keith hated him now? Would he even be able to pilot with a barely functioning arm? _ Processing what it meant for Keith.  _ What if he stops talking to me? He probably hates me now because I’m a creep that told him that I loved him even though I spend all of my time pretending to hate him. Pretending. Ha!  _ Processing what it meant for him.  _ Would he even be able to fix what he had done? He’s already a weak link in the team. The only thing he can offer is his shooting skills and he can’t exactly shoot his gun with one hand to hold it. Would he be forced to go into a pod and someone else take his place temporarily, only for them to realize that his replacement is better suited for the position.  _ Most of the night he spent silently staring at the ceiling like he did most nights, except now it had hurt worse. 

Only two things brought him out of his trance. The first time was when Coran and Hunk entered the room to bring him food and to check on his arm- which he pretended to be asleep for. And then now, when he had heard the fast stomping of feet towards his room soon followed by muted argumentation between Shiro and Keith.  

“Listen Shiro, I just need to know he is okay.”

“He is going to be fine, you don’t need to worry. Coran got his arm all fixed up and he should-”

“No it’s not that! He’s hurt Shiro, more than just his arm. You didn’t see him before that. It was like he just snapped and a flood of emotions just came out of him. I’ve never seen him like that before and I just kept making it worse.” His voice was just a whisper by the time he muttered out the final word. Lance had to sit up and move slightly closer to the door, and even then he could barely make out the next words. 

“Shiro, please. I think- I think that I broke him.” His words were quiet and choked, as if it physically pained him to admit them. Nobody said anything after that. Lance thought they had departed, so he laid back down and rolled over to his good side, facing him towards the wall. 

Then the door to the room opened. He heard him enter the room slowly, like a hunter approaching its prey. His breathing was slow and quiet as he made his way closer to the bed. Lance closed his eyes pretending to be asleep hoping that Keith would just go away. He couldn’t look at him right now. Not ever again. 

“Lance,” he whispered. Again, if Lance hadn’t been paying attention, he would have thought he imagined the word leaving the other boys mouth. “I told him you wouldn’t wake up, you can sleep through anything. Shit I feel creepy doing this, but I’m sorry Lance. I shouldn’t have said any of what I did last night. You’re not causing problems on the team, in fact you do the opposite. We need you, Lance.” Lance stopped breathing and he heard Keith step closer to the bed. “ _ I  _ need you.”

Lance felt his heart stop as the words left the others mouth.  _ He doesn’t hate him.  _ Relief flowed throughout his body. 

_ “ _ What am I doing, you can’t even hear me right now. I guess I’m a coward aren’t I? Facing Galra day and night fighting for the universe, but I can’t even face you when you’re awake because I’m afraid my own feelings and of hurting you again.” 

The floor made a sound as Keith shifted his weight to turn around and head out of the room. Lance heard his footsteps as they moved further from his bed and towards the door. When the door opened, Lance turned onto his back and looked over at Keith standing in the doorway, looking at Shiro out in the hall sadly. He exited the room, and as the door closed a cold air fell throughout the room. Lance was once again, alone in the dark, but this time he knew something that he didn’t know before. 

“You didn’t break me Keith. I broke myself.”  __

 


End file.
